By Pooja Marwah
I came across a very interesting TED talk by a relationship psychologist. And what caught my attention was the simplistic way in which she described the difference between need and want, between love and desire, known and unknown.
It’s nice to be modern and proclaim independence, self partnering, et al. But at the end of a day, when you get home, it’s another feeling to have someone or something waiting to see you. As humans, we all have a need and want for security, future, safety. And at the same time, we also have a fire in our belly for adventure, thrill, risk and the unknown.
Marriage is society’s way of allowing two adults to engage in life together but why, after a few years, do the candles blow out and the flowers disappear? Why do the brief interruptions of adulations stop and everything else except the person takes precedence?
Life doesn’t happen! That’s just an excuse.
There are so many people out there who are in a commitment because of their need to be. And that is really sad. For when need supersedes want, the passion and the desire go out the door on a long walk. Need makes you clingy and you fail to respect basic privacy of space and freedom. It’s more about you than the person you are with. It’s about your requirements and, once fulfilled, you’re content.
Want, on the other side, makes your mind work on thoughts and possibilities of what next. It increases your desire to be with them and spend as much time as you can, doing things together. The prerogative here is doing things together. When you want to be with someone, it will show in your every action and word, it won’t be pretence but will be a natural flow.
So, when you are in a relationship that you want to be in, what you are really basking in, is the joy of having found the anchor as well the waves!
You have the comfort of knowing that this is for the long haul and yet you have the freedom to splash as you like.
I’ve realised over time that people change, as have I. It doesn’t make them any less of what they are as humans. It just means that circumstances, situations have brought them to a place to which some may call stable and others may refer to as selfish.
As a woman, I draw strength from the anchor in my life. Having said this, it doesn’t imply that I am chained to where the ship is anchored. It’s the waves that are relentless, it’s the waves that show a true facet of a woman for each time they come to kiss the shore, they get sent back… But, they always return, high or low, they always come back for one more kiss. Women hold relationships together and through their persistence, carve out a place of comfort for them and their loved ones.
Nothing is written in indelible ink, not even love. To quote a line from my college favourite, “Nothing lasts forever and we both know hearts can change. It’s hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain.” This is where the truest test of grit comes into play. Is the love you have, a need or a want? Do you have it in you to be the anchor and yet let the ship sail for its own adventure?
To be able to venture into the unknown, we all want the security of the known. It’s like a mother child relationship. When the latter wants to leave home, are you anxious sad edgy and nervous? Or, do you tell him about the world, smile, hug and say goodbye?
Research has proven that the second way would get you back a content secure child whereas the first would leave them feeling strained and confused. They would have hurt and fear for leaving the comfort of home.
Likewise, if need is your reason to be where you are; perhaps it’s time to take charge and change that. And time is a luxury not everyone can afford.
Be in a relationship that makes you want to attach the sail, adjust the heading and trim, unknot the anchor, feel the wind in your face and … just sail!
(Pooja Poddar Marwah is an award winning author and Blogger. She writes an contemporary living and offers incisive reflections on the world around us. Her blog, Random Conversations is a go to guide to deal with the myraid stuggles we face each day.)