By Alok Joshi
I believe that broadly there are four kinds of people: happily married, unhappily married, happily unmarried and unhappily unmarried.
In recent times, the category of “happily unmarried” is on the increase.
The institution of marriage has so far survived in India. It is something we have been proud of as being an integral part of our culture. It is “the” thing that we consider as our distinguishing hallmark vis-à-vis the west. The marriage market in India is always vibrant. During my foreign stints, I always confronted a common question, “Why do marriage ceremonies in India go on for many days?” My tongue-in-cheek answer used to be “because we Indians believe in one marriage in a life-time”. However, it’s also true that divorce is becoming more rampant these days. I recall that as a management student in Europe, my local lady translator once told me that “one wife for life” was a good thing in India. She was living with her boyfriend for the last eight years in his apartment and feared being thrown out on the street any day.
Like other institutions, the institution of marriage too has faced the brunt of time. Whether it is crumbling or not is debatable.
There is no denying that new trends are noticeable. Some youngsters are ready to wait longer until they find their “perfect match”. Then there are many who do not want to get married at all for various reasons. And if they get married, they don’t want to have a child. Most of the time, the older generation finds it difficult to comprehend. The basic parental question of “who are you marrying” seems to be replaced by “when are you getting married”. A young man who had decided not to marry even mockingly told me to my face, “There are three rings of marriage – the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.”
Having returned from China after over 12 years, I can vouch for noticing a similar trend there. Until very recently, a Chinese girl who does not get married by 30 was labelled a “left-over”. But I have seen that perception changing. Young Chinese men and women are choosing to stay single. Many eligible bachelors are still single because they cannot afford high “bride prices”. In recent times, these payments have sky-rocketed in some parts of China, averaging as much as 20,000 USD. As per their traditional system, it is the groom’s side that has to make these payments to the bridegroom. They even have a special day to celebrate Singles’ Day. November 11 is designated to mark this day, as the number 11/11 signifies four singles. The authorities, on the contrary, are encouraging people to have two or even three children with all kinds of incentives, thereby giving up their “one-child policy”. China’s population, in fact, went down in 2022 for the first time in the last 60 years.
According to reports, women in South Korea are striking against marriage and child-birth. The population is shrinking. Women are protesting because they refuse to be seen as “baby-making machines”. A survey reveals that 65 percent of women in South Korea don’t want children. The fertility rates are the lowest ever seen. In 2020, it recorded more deaths than births. Neighbouring Japan has a similar story of declining birth rate and growing ageing population.
One common reason for low birth rates in some countries, particularly South Asian countries, is the high cost of raising a child. Education is expensive. In spite of Government monetary incentives, paternity leave, longer paid maternity leave, etc., many young couples are not willing to have more children. Luckily, India is not facing this problem. We have now emerged as the world’s most populous country. Half of our population is less than 30 years of age, which is a big demographic advantage that the country can leverage.
Why young people are not opting for or delaying marriage remains a question. We need to understand the reasons. In India, it is mainly the educated urban youth. Over the years, our problem has been that those who cannot afford to have more children are bearing more children but those who can afford wish to remain childless or at best stop after one child.
The primary reasons for the dwindling desire to marry are attributed mainly to fear of commitment, spiraling inflation rates and increasing divorce rates. Matrimony is being equated to “matter-of-money”. Over half of Americans think that marriage is important but not critical to a fulfilling life. About 30 percent say marriage is not important. Career development has become a priority while marriage can wait. Live-in relations are the new norm. Those preferring singledom are living with pets. Individual space, personal and financial freedom, self-identity and not being answerable to or dependent on another person for happiness are other contributing factors. Digital distractions, dating apps, porn, etc., have become increasingly more popular.
Well, marriage or child-birth is a personal choice. And it should be so. To some this trend is worrisome. It is more of a global phenomenon. We need to wait and watch how it influences the social structure of the age-old institution called “family”.
(Alok Joshi is an HR Advisor, personal coach and author of two books including” Twelve Sweet & Sour Years in China”)
