‘COME ONE, COME ALL!!’

Flicking through the news just the other day, I stopped in my tracks. Were my eyes playing tricks on me? This couldn’t be happening!

Apart from attracting tourists for spiritual tourism (for the uninitiated, Char Dham is now open in winters too – hope you’re grateful, all you sinners!) nature tourism, wildlife tourism and also now being classified as a destination for exotic film locales, apparently, our state needed a few more badges pinned to its tattered chest – the latest being, hold your breath, a wedding destination!

I’m not joking! Apparently, the tourism department has been asked (quote) ‘to draft a policy within four weeks, to position Uttarakhand as a major wedding destination, leveraging its scenic and culturally significant locations.’ (unquote)

The operative word here being four weeks. What’s the hurry, mate? Are weddings going to go out of season? Of course, yes! The next one month is crucial so make hay while the sun shines or words to that effect, as us superstitious Indians do believe in wedding seasons, and after December, it’ll be a couple of months before the auspicious wedding season rolls around again.

But how do they propose to do that? Aren’t there enough wedding venues, grand hotels and even some exotic farm houses in Uttarakhand, already? In fact, Ramnagar, bordering Jim Corbett is a case in point, with hotels mushrooming on the outskirts of the forest and people descending upon this mofussil town in droves for a ‘destination wedding’, no less. The venues belch out loud, music till the wee hours of the morning, with scant concern for the hapless animals. Now would someone please clarify this for my poor confused, dimwitted brain – is this place supposed to be touted as a place for wildlife tourism or as a wedding destination, because both seem to be co- existing quite peacefully, thank you very much. No need to worry on that count.

And any concerns one might have for the wildlife is brushed aside by the very same people who are supposed to be looking after and protecting it.

‘The jungle is quite far away’, is the casual response. ‘The animals can’t hear these blaring, unmelodious, tuneless songs that are being belted out one after the other, with no respite. The jungle is very far away.

Will someone please tell these guardians of the jungle that as the crow flies, the jungle is really quite close and that the hearing of many animals is more sensitive than that of humans?

So back to my question. How do they propose to make more wedding destinations? Enlighten me.

By cutting down more trees to make groves where weddings can be held in the midst of nature? Or by flattening the hillsides? What fun! Imagine not having to dispose off the rubbish cause then one can just throw down the garbage and watch it roll down the slopes into oblivion. Easy Peasy!

Talking of slopes, remember the time when a big fat Indian wedding took place on the slopes of Auli? The same ski slopes which are advertised for winter tourism! Yes people, we read about it and of course we weren’t invited, not us plebians. Someone in his infinite wisdom must have decided to allow use of the underutilized slopes since they were just sitting around, quite uselessly, and the snow was not going to make an appearance any time soon.

So, with Mussoorie, Haridwar, Rishikesh, Nainital, Jim Corbett and even Dehradun already as wedding destinations, and Auli too (part time, chupke chupke, kabhi-kabhi), what is left? Jageshwar? Valley of Flowers?? Gangotri glacier???

What is this constant need to project the town, the city or the state?

Nothing is going anywhere. In fact, at the rate we are inviting everyone to come and seek something, anything from our state, very soon we might just find it disappearing or collapsing and taking us with it.

So, what’s next? Any more bright ideas? I have one. How about proclaiming it as a baby making destination? Wouldn’t that be grand!

Maybe the salubrious climes will get those androgens and estrogens raging and procreation can start in right earnest! As it is there are talks floating around in the air that we can and should have at least three children so let’s start – right here, right now!

After all, India has to continue to maintain the tag of the world’s most populated country and that requires hard work.

Now my mind is on an overdrive. I can just picture the hoardings and banners all over the entrances to our state proclaiming, ‘Come one! Come all!’ The latest baby making destination! In fact, after your wedding, you needn’t go anywhere. It’s a package deal. Wedding venue plus baby making room / tent amidst nature, with the songbirds trilling and cheeping! (except, you and I both know there may not be any songbirds ‘cause where there are trees, there are birds and we know where the trees went, don’t we? Two for the price of one!’

And after that? How about a destination for the dying? That’s where we are all headed, thanks to all the burning of the leaves and rubbish all around us, adding to the pollution woes. So, last but not the least, let’s also plan to advertise our state as a place where we can die in peace. Life will come full circle.

Let’s cut some more trees and make hospices / salvation homes. In any case Haridwar and Rishikesh are close by, so let’s do a Varanasi.

Mukti Bhawan, anyone?