By Dr AK Srivastava
“Be warned: A person content to sit with you and criticize others will speak critically of you out of earshot.” – RE Goodrich.
Backbiting is talking ill or bad about a person behind his back or in his/her absence. This practice is probably as old as humanity and has been in all places, countries and in all civilisations. When some people find others progressing and making a place for themselves in society, they fail to appreciate them. Since they cannot attain the degree of success or excellence that their neighbours, relatives or friends have achieved, they try to pull them down by back-biting or speaking ill about them. Unfulfilled ambitions or defeated aspirations of unsuccessful weak persons may stimulate them to backbite. Consequently, it is an attempt from their side to tarnish the image of a victorious and flourishing smart fellow human being. Initially, backbiting may be the result of human frustration or jealousy but slowly it becomes part of one’s personality. This habit is cemented when such people are given patient hearing. Most of the listeners are tolerant of backbiters partially because they also enjoy it to some extent and partially because they don’t want to spoil their terms with the backbiters. Most of us avoid confronting backbiters and keep smiling. The poor fellow misunderstands such behaviour of listeners as his acceptance or even prudence.
In fact, backbiting is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it spoils the image of a successful person and, on the other hand, it exhibits the failure of backbiters. Backbiting is an illness of the soul and destroys the normal relationship between two individuals. It is a negative approach to achieving success or in other words it is an attention seeking strategy. It is also true that people may not gladly accept good things about you, but they are always willing to accept negative things quickly. Sometimes backbiters think that their venom will not reach the person concerned but many times they want it to reach the targeted fellow.
There are many types of backbiters. Some do it as a part of entertainment; others are full time backbiters who like to criticise everything and everyone all the time. They find fault with the system, government and friends. It may be the result of longtime competitiveness, or it may be just a temporary failure that motivates them to tarnish others’ image. Always talking ill becomes an illness for a backbiter.
Now the question is how to deal with such backbiters? Should we confront them directly or should we send a message through a common friend? There is no better way to deal with them. But you should take it as a compliment because you have achieved something that the backbiters have not. That makes them backbite. It means you are valuable in their opinion, and they want to invest their time and energy talking about you. No one backbites unless s/he envies you.
Sometimes it is the best thing to talk to your critics face to face and tell them that you have been wonderfully patient and tolerant, so far. Tell them that you have not confronted them so far simply because you wanted to give them some more time for mutual harmony. But now enough is enough and s/he should stop talking nonsense against you otherwise you have to part with each other. This type of direct talk may make things clear to them and they may mend their ways.
It is wise to clarify to the backbiter that he may consider his habit as entertainment, but you are not pleased with such a habit. Hence, ask him to explain his grudge against you. This will make him review his habit and the frequency and severity of backbiting will be reduced if it is not totally stopped.
No one is perfect in this world. Sometimes, you must do introspection when you come to know that someone is talking ill behind you. Introspection may lead to some fault finding in your personality and simple changes in your behaviour may please your friend and your situation may take a pleasant turn.
Sometimes the policy of “let us forget and forgive” is the best solution to the problem. This gives you peace of mind and keeps the backbiter busy without business. The poor fellow fails to understand that he is wasting so much time and energy on you and you are enjoying it free of cost.
Today we live in a highly competitive and challenging world. Instead of retaliating, we should adopt a constructive and positive approach to criticism. In Hindi we always say “Nindak neare rakhiye” – keep your critic close to you. Sometimes you may pick up a point that may change your destiny. The best policy is to kill the backbiters with kindness and generosity.
“Don’t worry about what people say behind your back. They are the people who are finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life.”
