From Blame to Responsibility:
By Praveen Chandhok
“The person you are today is a delicate tapestry woven from childhood moments, mostly forgotten yet profoundly influential.” This quote recently caught my attention, and it led me down a thoughtful path. We all know childhood shapes us in deep and lasting ways, sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly, but is that where the story ends?
Nowadays, it’s become common to hear phrases like “I’m this way because my parents were strict”, or “I never learned to make decisions because I wasn’t given agency as a child”. And while these may be valid starting points, if they become the entire story, they risk becoming a trap. A way of explaining things without truly moving forward.
It’s almost like people want the comfort of a diagnosis without the effort of a remedy.
There comes a point where self-awareness must lead to self-responsibility. That turning point is what separates insight from inertia. Insight explains. Inertia excuses.
I’ve often felt that our generation, despite having less, materially, developed a stronger spine when it came to personal responsibility. Many of us didn’t have the luxury of blaming our circumstances. We just had to figure things out, survive, push through. That’s how we grew. And when we had children, we wanted to give them everything we never had – comfort, safety, support. To a large extent, we succeeded!
But somewhere in that well-intentioned cocoon, did we unintentionally raise children who are more protected but less prepared? Does an easy life make a person weaker? Have we, in over-caring, robbed them of resilience?
It’s a difficult question. A double-edged sword. On the one hand, we must provide love, safety, and care. On the other, we must equip them to take charge of their own stories.
There’s a cultural shift we may need. From “It’s not my fault” to “It may not be my fault, but it’s my responsibility”. That small shift changes everything. It moves us from being passive recipients of the past to active authors of the future.
Let’s be clear. Childhood experiences do leave marks. They shape how we respond, how we love, how we fear. But they don’t write our future in stone. Therapy, when done well, should illuminate our patterns and then empower us to rewrite them. Not settle into them.
Because understanding why we are the way we are should be the beginning, not the end, of the journey.
In those moments when it’s easier to blame than to change, I remind myself of the timeless words, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” That’s not denial of the past. It’s a commitment to the future.
In a world where victimhood can sometimes be celebrated more than growth, perhaps the real strength lies in choosing transformation over blame. Not because it’s easy. But because it’s necessary.
(Praveen Chandhok is former President (2021-2023, 2015-2017), SJA Alumni Association, Dehradun)
